10/27/13

It has only been 10 days since I posted here last and yet it seems like forever.

My workouts are continuing although I think that I've just figured out that I would probably be happier with them if they were more intense and more often.  -slow paced and half way is easy to set aside.  Even though I continue with the sciatic pain, even that seems a bit more tolerable with a good sweat.

In spite of workouts and really, REALLY watching my diet, I'm no closer to my goal than I was 2 months ago when I started.  That is really, really frustrating!  I don't really know the option for this.

I'm having trouble finding a routine that allows me to fit everything in at a level that I'm happy with.  And I'm having trouble focusing.  I don't know the answer to this either...really.  I keep trying though.  I have to make a better effort at this because I think its essential to feeling like I'm making progress...

A Transformation Needs Consistency!

My last post here was 17 days ago.  Really?  I call that a major gap in habits and consistency! 

Here's what I know... I let things get in the way.  I get busy.  I plan to much.  I get lazy.  I don't maintain the habits that will, at least, track the change that is occurring.  I have tried to keep up my workouts.  And I've done pretty good.  Except of course for the surgery on my face.  But... the workouts are on.  But my eating habits suck!  And all in all, my weight is going in the opposite direction that I would like to see it.  ...and I'll soon have no clothes because I threw out all the ones that fit the fatter me.  UGH! 

I'm 53 with no significant support system and I need to turn this shit around.  It's hard to be your own accountability partner! Ya know?

10/1/13 - One month transformation

One month into my transformation and I don't know if what has happened could be called progress...may be its that I feel that if I shared what my approach to the past month with many people, I believe that they would shake their heads and laugh.  I know those people.  Some are my friends...but I'm not doing this for those people, I'm doing this for me. 

One month in, here's what I know.

Any change in my exercise and diet take more than 1 month to be noticeable.  About 15 years ago, I started a diet (with little exercise) that gave me major results in 15 days.  That's not my overeall history, not my reality, and not what I want for the future.  I want to make lasting changes, ones that I won't back slide from.  So I will keep making decisions that serve me well.

Getting caught up in the "shoulds" gets me down and doesn't move me forward.  I sometimes let my daily routine cause me to feel pressure from obligations outside myself.  Its those voices in my head that keep telling me what I SHOULD be doing.  Lesson: I have to be true to myself first, and be "smarter" about the shoulds.  I'm not saying that I've been dumb.  But I believe that I let myself give in, I give in to the pressure of perceived expectations, I give in to the pressure that those voices tell me what I should be doing.  When I do that, when I give in, I do not honor myself or my goals.  I want to handle the shoulds that serve me, and find some way to delegate (or ignore) the rest.

I have to continue giving myself permission to let my dreams and goals motivate me.  I guess this really ties into the shoulds.  If I think about taking action for too long, I will talk myself out of taking action.  I will rationalize action away for all the things that I "should" be doing instead.  Action will move me forward, inactivity won't.  A very wise friend told me, "Don't judge, just do.  And when you're done, look back to see if it worked, learn from it, and do again."

I think that my most important lesson is to love myself and support myself as I move forward.  This means that whatever I do, that I accept it as part of the process.  I will move forward.  I will embrace what comes.  At times there will be tears, at times disbelief, and sometimes they will slow me down...but I can't, no, I won't let them stop me.  I accept that I have flaws, but I love myself, flaws and all. 

This month of reflection has helped me begin to create a new vision...a revision of who I am...and who I am becoming.  Today, everything is possible!

9/12/13

Today is my brother's 50th birthday...Happy Birthday to him!

I've had a lot going on lately that has been quite a wake up call.  And it has all happened in the midst of asking, and looking for signs.  Signs that I'm doing the right things.  Signs that I'm on the right track.  It is exciting, and a little scary, to think that the thing that may be you are meant to do...is something that you never imagined or saw possible for yourself.  If its possible that my life is actually meant to be bigger and bolder than the box that I thought it would fit into, then I've been confining myself and keeping myself from growing. 

I am beautiful....and anything is possible.  I don't mean that I'm going to be a Victoria's Secret model...not unless they start a line for women who are older and larger than their target market, but then again, ...you never know!!

This has been some random thoughts...and from where I sit, truly part of my transformation!

9/8/13

I gave in today and got the prednisone pack the dr. prescribed for me over a month ago.  I hate taking pills, but I hate the pain that I'm feeling even more.  I can't wait to see how I feel when I wake up in the morning.

Today I tried to set goals.  I did it contrary to what I know about planning (from being a teacher)...you start with the big and work to the small...making sure that you are moving forward.  I changed about half way through, but here are my goals, for today.  When I started thinking about these goals, it began with what I can do today, and what I can do this week.  I'm not sure that will get me where I really want to be.  I may review these from the big picture and then work backwards, I don't know.

Goals:

1 year:
1. Maintain regular workouts - not getting stuck at my plateau and maintain weight of 155 lbs
2. Have finished 1 book for self publication
3. Have begun plan to earn money from the writing I love and reduce hours at current position.
4. Have at least $1,000 in savings

3 months: (December 1)
1. Weigh 170 lbs. (continuing to work out)
2. Finish reading 6 books
3. Write 2 posts/week on my blog
4. Budget forward next 6 months to include savings

3 weeks: (October 1)
1. Lose 6 lbs - weigh 184
2. Finish reading 2 books
3. Write 2 posts/week and frame at least 5 book ideas

7 days:
1. Plan day the night before
2. Delegate at least 3 items / day
3. spend at least 1 hr/day reading and writing
4. Commit and track food and workouts

Day 4 - 9/4/13

Yesterday was a rest day.  It started great!  I was able to walk 1 mile.  It was an awesome accomplishment.  Wow!  That sounds sad!  But a few years ago, I was able to lose a lot of weight by walking 3-5 miles/day and strictly watching my diet.  I was able to maintain the walking until May.  I came back from a trip to Jordan and I got sciatica so bad that I couldn't walk and I was in near constant pain.  Unfortunately, this zapped my attempts at being healthy as well as made me often frustrated from having the pain that I couldn't get rid of.  ...I still have some pain, but almost 2 months after starting with a chiropractor, it was a wonderful accomplishment to be able to walk.

Unfortunately, after the walk, it was down hill.  My diet was less than wonderful and imploded when I got home at 9pm, hungry, and needing to finish the left over chicken wings in the refrigerator.

Today was better for both diet and exercise.  After a bit of a frustrating start where I was too stiff to do much this morning, I had a pretty good diet day and was able to feel good about the workout I did this evening.  Yay!!! 

If I keep making goals, tracking goals, working toward goals, and getting back on track if I goof before it gets too far out of hand...then I can break through where I see myself and revision myself!!

and again, Yay me!!

Day 2 - 9/2/13

I can honestly say, I don't know whether this will work, but because other attempts have fallen short, I'm willing to give this a try. 

Blatent Accountability!

I guess that at some point, I should actually sit down and figure out my end of the year goals and the steps that I'm taking to make them happen...but I'll leave that for another day.  (LOL)  I'm sorry, may be it'll happen later today, but I don't want the goals to be so unreasonable that they don't happen.  I want to stretch myself, so that stretching myself becomes a habit!

My diet today hasn't been a spectacular example of what it should be.  Lots of coffee...a special k protein bar...5 chicken wings...water...and dinner will be some pulled pork, corn on the cob, and baked sweet potato.  My goals for today, no alcohol and no snacking between meals.  So far, so good.

I tried my Beginner Day one of the Turbulence Training 20-10 workout.  I'm not new to the workout, but it is interesting to get back on the horse while still feeling the pain from sciatica.  The glute bridge was difficult.  Pain in my left glute down through my ankle.  The pain lasted through the push up part of the ecentric push ups.  The stick ups and the plans went well though.  I was surprised not to have pain in the plank.  But, I'm excited to do this, to try this...to be accountable for this and break through my upper limit!!

Getting Started 9.1.13

I’ve always been one to start a goal, get part way, and stop.  So, I know that I can make progress.   But then, I reach my limit or get distracted, and instead of staying where I’m at, I lose ground and move back to where I started, or worse.  Realizing there are only 120 days left until the end of the year gave me a wake-up call; it’s time to do something different, to break through that ceiling. 

I’m back to where I was at the beginning of the year: 190 lbs.  Measurements: chest-40in, waist 39.5 in, hips 44.5 in, and hips at thighs 47 in.  Unfortunately, in April, I was down to 175 lbs and although I don’t know my measurements at that time, I know that the clothes I wore easily then, I can’t now.  My goal – I want to weigh between 150 and 160 lbs.  I want to be able to fit easily into a size 10 clothes.  I guess that I should add that I’m 53 years old and 5’10”. 

Throughout my life I’ve been more or less athletic.  I’ve worked out for periods up to 18 months, but always slipped back to almost 200 lbs.  I’ve always seen myself as a big woman, not fat, but big.  About 8 years ago I started transforming myself, got to 165 lbs, but wasn’t able to get under that.  I want to break that barrier, as part of other changes I will be making.

A year ago, I left a long term, (almost 30 year) abusive relationship. I am still trying to see myself differently.  I want to transform that part of my life to; the part that questions my ability to achieve.  I am also working to transform my career. This is a first step.